Toilet wonders

I have been doing something that may or may not be considered as unintentional research about the most effective ways of studying for muggers like me. I hereby proudly state that one of the best times to study would be while you’re taking a crap in the loo. Hilarious but indeed true, and there is a logic to this. You see the holy toilet is probably the only place in your house that has no distractions at all. So while one half of your cerebral cortex is directing those anal muscles to get all that poop out of your butt hole, the other half will have no where else to wonder but the text/reference/exercise book you have in hand. Another point worth noting is that you should set yourself a target, i.e. a minimum amount of pages to be covered before you allow yourself to leave. Of course this method comes with a certain amount of anal discomfort, but I assure you that it is worth it.

If you are claustrophobic or just aren’t a fan of lavatories, another method that works on the same principle would be to study while you’re eating. Be forewarned, however, because the enjoyment you derive from your eating experience will be significantly reduced, but again, it is worth it, every single bit of it.

So, fellow compatriots, if you ever have problems concentrating I highly recommend these two methods, and they both come with a warranty of effectiveness. ‘How could I possibly fulfil such a warranty?’ I hear you asking. Well fret not because if in the unlikely event you are unsatisfied by the results I will take your place and poop in your toilet or eat your food for you, depending on which method you have chosen.

Boo

It's one in the morning and yet again I've finished off another chapter of something. Fret not, however for this time it isn't Biology but the oh-so-wonderful Sejarah. Unfortunately for me I've still got a shitload of this stuff to shove into the cerebral regions of my tired brain.

So then it should strike me as rather absurd that the reality of impending doom, i.e. SPM, being hurled towards me at Mach I speeds hasn’t quite hit me yet. Illogically, for some unfathomable reason the closer it gets the calmer I am, and I’m sure that you, dear reader, would agree with me that this is indeed bizarre. I should be afraid, very afraid. I should be feeling intimidated beyond my very being for this is the government examination that supposedly determines where you end up in life, but noooo I am going about my studies in an eerily relaxed manner.

To this day I still recall the two week study leave prior to PMR when I was in Form Three. Back then my concentration power was phenomenal. I would wake up at noon, start studying at one and go on without stopping except for meals and a shower until three in the morning. I did this every single day. Sadly though the sort of concentration that I used to be capable of has diminished beyond redemption.

Sometimes when I have wasted a catastrophic amount of time I do some soul-searching and ask myself why I have the sentiments mentioned above. I’d put the source down to having been through the gruelling process of so many fully fledged exams that I’ve lost quite a bit of willpower to put my poor brain through all that for one final time. Lack of mental stamina, if you like. Or maybe it’s because I’ve seen the pathetic standards of the real paper and therefore came to the conclusion that minimal effort shall be required for certain subjects.

Well then I should be going to bed now, otherwise I shall have to take naps tomorrow which will result in more wasted time, and that just won’t do.

Empty spaces and exposed thighs

Bio,bio, bio
The bane of all followers
Of the purest of sciences
Yet another trial has come and gone
Afraid I am, of screwing this one rather terribly
Empty spaces here and there
A first for me, you see
Blame it I shall, on the absurdly hard nature
Of the paper
Fret I won't, however
For the real thing, I presume
Shall be infinitely easier

And that sums up how I did for my bio paper. Please excuse my lack of literature competency as this is my first foray into poetry writing. I didn't do very well for my Add Math paper too. Paper 2 was insanely hard. But I managed, oh yes, I managed. Mr Hew said it'd be the same standard as in our first trials. Bullshit, I say. Something hilarious happened halfway through the paper though: he ripped his pants on the splinters on the table at the back of the classroom. We could see everything, boxers and the works. I say it's his karma for setting such a ridiculously demanding paper. :P

Chronic brain failure

It's one in the morning and I've just finished off one chapter of Bio, which I took an entire day to cover. Bio remains my least favourite subject to this day, mostly because I find it an excruciatingly mundane subject, partly because of the rather incompetent Bio teachers that I've had for the past two years. For some mysterious reason our school has been plagued with Bio teachers that either can't teach for nuts or aren't in class half the time. So it is unsurprising that I should shiver in pure fear thinking of the mental torture that I would have to put up with studying the inhumanely long last four chapters of form five Bio. Or at least it seems endless in our standard-issue Success reference book. Oh, but you're teacher's given you notes!, I hear you say. What use are notes that lack a few vital bits and pieces of information and at the same time provide us with headache-inducing university level diagrams and words that are utterly unnecesarry for our level anyway?

Bio and History are the two most time consuming subjects for me. I'd take an entire week to cover each. Chem and Physics, on the other hand, I can finish of in a mere four days. All you need for Moral are the 36 holy values instilled in your brain together with a substantial ability to bullshit your way through the paper. Add Math I'm already rather good at, and who bothers studying for Mod Math , English and EST?

This is going to be THE most awesome holiday ever.

Bad to the bone

I broke a thousand hearts, before I met you
I'll break a thousand more baby, before I am through
I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya honey, that I'm bad to the bone

Self-induced starvation

I have just deprived myself of food for thirty hours. Yep, believe it or not, I had decided to participate in the seemingly insane 30 Hour Famine organized by World Vision. Of course to join you had to collect a minimum of rm100 which I had already done. It does seem ridiculous to have to 'pay' a hundred quid so that you could starve for the above mentioned duration, but since I'd already done the collecting I might as well join. And it was for a good cause anyway. Initial thoughts greeted me with moments of extreme hunger and unbearable gastric pains, but surprisingly it wasn't that bad. I didn't feel hungry for most of the time, and this was probably due to everyone else not eating. Except for the time we went bowling when the smell of fresh french fries being served to other customers taunted and teased our empty tummies.

So anyway the stuff we did that I find the most memorable were the scavenger hunt and the one where you had to built a shelter for five from a pile of newspapers, a piece of cardboard and masking tape. Ours turned out to be a pathetic pile of newspapers held together by bits of tape, and it looked like it had already collapsed by the time it was done. But it was good fun all the same.

And then came the countdown which was held at the National Hockey Stadium in Bukit Jalil. Before we left the bus we were given some food in case the ones given to us in the stadium weren't enough. I jumped at this opportunity and stuffed my bag with one jelly bun, three sambal ikan bilis buns and four cans of milo. Come on, I hadn't eaten for THIRTY effing hours.

The highly anticipated countdown was the most disappointing part though. It was supposed to be some sort of concert, but the problem was that all the performers were local mandarin artistes, so most of us found the whole thing unbearably boring. Everything was in mandarin or cantonese, even the emceeing. Not that I had a problem with that, but at least give us something interesting like a bunch of local bands or at least some english singers. Most of us took this opportunity to sleep. When it was finally time though, at least according to our watches, the emcees kept blabbering about something that I didn't pay attention to. All my attention was focused on that puny packet of Koko Krunch that was in my hands. During those few minutes I felt like chucking the bottle of soya bean at those damn emcees. Then the countdown began. And then I stuffed myself full. And then I could hardly eat dinner. And now I have Physics tuition. I swear that one day, my parents are going to make my brain explode.

Temporary freedom

Trials are finally over!!! This of course gives us a reason for temporary celebration, and I say temporary because the real thing has yet to come. Now I know that many of you will be enjoying yourself during the coming holidays, but I, however happen to be less fortunate. Why? My parents are taking this term break as a chance for me to 'catch up on my studies'. It's outrageous I'm telling you, the way they're treating me like some kinda machine. As it is my brain's already been in overdrive for the past month or so, and they're only letting me off for these few days. Of course studying is necessary, no question about that, but I'm supposed to go into 'full force'. My brain might just burst. I'm still allowed to go out though, but only if I've studied enough. My mom refused to let me off add math tuition after bio even though I was dead tired. Ridiculous. Overall though I think this exam went pretty much okay. Even bio wasn't that bad. Might be able to pull of an A.

On another note, I'm sick of the way my parents keep stereotyping certain things. Like cyber cafes. I swear, the way they keep going on about how unsafe they are every time I want to go to one is going to drive me insane. Yes, certain cyber cafes are best left alone, but I think the one in Dataran Sunway's okay. You have absolutely no idea what I had to say to get them to let me go in after EST today. Of course I can just go there and tell 'em I'm somewhere else, but I happen to be an exceptionally bad liar when it comes to my mom. It's like she's got some sort of built-in lie detector and a radar that knows where I am all of the time. And the thing's she'd do if I get caught being somewhere I'm not supposed to be. It's crazy I'm telling ya.

Anyway our annual patriotic run and merdeka carnival's taking place tomorrow, and this time I'm gonna try and get a spot in the top twenty, just so I can get another medal to stick in the pathetic sports section of my testimonial. I've been training too, around my house almost every evening. Learned how to control my stamina and breath properly while I was at it. Reduced my overall time by about 2 minutes. I just need to be able to physically push myself to the limit tomorrow, something I also happen to be rather incapable of. Most of the time anyway.